Online Dating: An Inside Look from a Christian Girl's Perspective

I remember reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliott for the first time and highlighting all over the place. The book is about her love letters and romance with Jim Elliot, what she learned while they were dating and also what she learned after he was killed in Ecuador by a tribe he was trying to minister to. It really is an incredible story- highly recommend it. It continues to be such solid truth to me in these dark times. There were a couple of things that stuck out though. I remember her talking about when she was dating in college that she dated multiple men at the same time...and even would date the same men as her roommates or friends. I thought- Whoa?! Wasn't this scandalous for the 40s?! And then many years after her husband Jim died, she married again...then after he died....she married once more. This just wasn't what I thought the Christian dating code was! Ha ha! From that point on, I stopped believing in finding "the one" that all the movies told me I should look for. And I also knew that dating wasn't the devil. You don't have to take it so seriously and that you can learn a lot from it! God takes care of the ones He loves despite imperfect circumstances and imperfect people. One other pressing reason why I decided to try dating online is the rapidly declining morality and selfishness of my generation. This is sadly starting to affect how we date in the church...and unfortunately although I am educated, fit, responsible, beautiful and know who I am in Christ- no guy from church had ever asked me out! So, I decided to venture online to find a good man who loved God. Because you never know where you might find them!  

The following is my perspective from my journey 
in dating online.

Note: All guys' names have been changed along with all identifying details out of respect and privacy.

How it works

In case you don't know, there are MANY dating sites out there these days. E-harmony and Match.com being the most popular. For Christians you can go one of 2 routes...you can get start off with a database of Christian guys by using Christian Mingle or you could go the secular route like Okcupid and try to filter out non-Christians. I tried several different ones over 3ish years. But the average time I spent on them was 2 months. The max I ever did was 3 months. The reason for this was because databases only have so many options. If you are looking for a specific type of person, you will get to the end of those results in a certain amount of time. For serious Christians...you have even fewer options. For tall, female, serious Christian women you have VERY few options. Which I found was a good and bad thing. I discovered that I could filter for godly men very quickly ...because there were so few.

Some thoughts on the sites I tried out

Eharmony - My least favorite of them all. When I was on, you only got a few matches every few days...including ones that weren't to your preferences. Price was expensive. There was no open search...so it was slightly difficult for looking for a tall guy. This site did not result in any dates for me. In fact I only talked to one guy who ended up being VERY racist..so that ended quickly.

Match.com - This one was alright. It had an open search, I got plenty of interest from guys and had suitable matches. Price was reasonable. They also had a variety of ways to set you up with potential matches, which made it feel a little more natural. But because it was still secular- there were very few Christian men. I talked to a couple but sadly they were more nominal Christians and didn't take their faith seriously.

OkCupid - This was oddly the one that I had the most "success" with. Free- which was a big plus for me. This could also be a bad thing though. This site attracts thousands of potentials...but with no real investment. So it took a lot of weeding through to find those who were serious about a relationship. I actually was a member a few times of this site. Had several actual dates with some solid guys. One guy was a professional athlete, another director of a Bible study class, etc. One of the best things about this site was that it had a great selection of questions to view and answer. This was advantageous because you could see how serious people were about things that mattered to you and filter out deal breakers. But because it is also a secular site the serious Christians are very few. I learned SO much about our society's values and how to stand for Christ in the dating world from my interactions on this site. Although some encounters were uncomfortable, I don't regret trying this one out. It was actually a fantastic evangelism opportunity.

ChristianMingle - This was the last one I tried out. I had two great matches from this one (one which led to a short relationship). This site was cheaper than Match or Eharmony. It had an open search and (in theory) automatically filtered out non-Christians. Unfortunately though- there were even fewer matches...especially for a tall girl. I also found that the same reasons church members are having a hard time dating in church is the same trouble they have online...too many options and being even more selective than non-believers. (A good and bad thing) We are over-looking Pauls and Rebeccas and Davids because we don't see them through God's eyes.

I'll be using OkCupid to show you the experience of dating online

Preferences and Profile

When getting on any dating site you have to set up your profile. (Which I oddly view like a job interview...show your best self, but be realistic and clear about what you are looking for). 

For Christians this is especially important. Boldly proclaim Christ on your profile. Godly men are attracted to Godly women and vice versa. I learned that Jesus is the BEST filter for getting rid of people who don't have good intentions. Yes, you will end up with less matches...but the goal is not to have 100s....its to find 1 Godly husband or wife! Brush off the haters!

Here is my basic profile...which I learned to be proud of!

Its suggested that you add different types of pictures. Please add variety! If you have 5 selfies or all pictures with models or several where we can't see your face....we think you are likely insecure or interested in the wrong things. 

The Encounters - Good, Bad, and Awkward

With OKC you have different ways of viewing potentials. You get daily matches, you can search, and you have QuickMatch (which is like tinder where you swipe left to reject or swipe right to accept). The quickmatch only shows you their pictures and a few details about the person (If they have kids, job, a small overview). It also gives you a match percentage-which I actually found to be a very good indicator. The Quickmatch does not say if they are a Christian though. But what I discovered is that most of the time, If they had a 90% match with me then they were likely a Christian (but this was not denomination specific). Swiping right could be risky because you don't know for sure that they are a Christian at all. But its a chance you have to take. After you like them (swipe right) then you can see if they are a Christian, view full profile, and see their answers to questions. You can also do this for matches and searches.

The last time I tried OKC, I was on it for less than a week. I had 377 guys that liked me (swiped right). Of course the whole point is not just to find out if people like you but to actually date! So what I really paid attention to was actual messages I received. In that week I received 81 messages. Here is a sampling.

  

   

 

As you can see - Some of the messages were really nice, genuine, respectful....And some were weird, inappropriate, and lacking in creativity. This was one of the best learning opportunities for me. I had to decide when to respond and if/how to do it well. Personally I chose not to respond at all to those who were inappropriate or disconnected. I had several chances to respond to well-meaning men too...which is what was more difficult. With online dating you get to "investigate" before you start a conversation. So I got to see if their messages really were sincere or if they matched their true character by looking at their profile and questions. Out of safety and godly standards I chose to very rarely respond to those whose messages even seemed genuine but their profiles did not show consistent character. I learned very quickly that if you give these guys any attention that they will take it and that you will have to let them down later. This was difficult. Like I said before... Jesus was a good filter. I stuck with His standard.

Another thing you can see from the screenshots above is that women have to be careful. There were several men I saw or were messaged by that were not safe. God showed me that they had no interest in Him and to not even entertain them with a Hello. After having a very weird encounter with a "Christian" guy, I now ask them to be honest about if they have ever been arrested or in jail, if they have any prejudices, and if they have any addictions BEFORE giving them my phone number. They have a chance to be dishonest of course...but I at least ask and in the small case will Google them. If I go on a date with them, it is always in public and my friends will know when and where.

One of my personal choices was to always give men who were "seemingly" good guys an honorable response for rejecting them if I felt that they weren't the right match for me. (Usually denominational issues or height was an obstacle) The two screenshots above are guys who showed that they could communicate maturely. The ones below didn't take my response well. Sometimes it doesn't matter how respectful you try and be...some people will still choose to take it negatively.

 (Not sure what 1 samuel guy's point was?! Why send a verse that points out your own sin?)

There was an instance or two where guys actually asked how Christian was I...like they needed a measurement. 

Definitely a new (and unusual) experience for me! LOL

The Questions

I keep referring to guys' answers to the questions so I want you to see how that works. I leaned on their answers a lot to determine if I was going to give them a chance. The questions really showed guys' character. They had many topics: judgment, intelligence, physicality, sex preferences, morality, religious, psychological, fitness/dietary, political, past relationship, viewpoints, crime, pets, privacy, adoption, finances, and hypothetical/behavioral. You were able to choose how much their answer mattered to you and even explain your answer.

Here are a few examples

 There was one question that was the biggest deal breaker of them all. 

I take my commitment to Christ seriously. My heart, my future, my body...belong to Him. His Word is solid ground so I believe and obey. So this question was the one where I could see if guys actually had submitted to God's authority. Sex is a big deal...so to surrender it over to God means that Jesus is your Lord...not just your Savior and that you are choosing to not be a slave to the flesh.

Unfortunately in all my time on OKC I found less than 5 men who chose "Only after the wedding."

 My advice for Christian Women

-Know who you are in Christ before dating online - you will fall prey to sin if you aren't standing on solid ground. Do not let your insecurities or fears decide who you date.
-Have accountability while dating on and offline - you are not untouchable when it comes to sin.
-Don't let guys manipulate you to messaging them back. Even if its a wonderful compliment or a funny joke or an interesting question...KEEP GOD's STANDARD. If they don't have Godly character do not compromise.
-Don't be afraid to get out there. Let this be a learning experience and a challenge to your faith.
-Give good Godly guys a chance even if they don't fit the picture you have in your mind. And when it comes time to reject a guy- do it with honor, give a real reason why, and don't be hurt by their response. Your responsibility is to honor the Lord with your actions, thoughts and words...you aren't responsible for their reaction.

My advice for Christian Men

-Know who you are in Christ before dating online - again you will sin if you aren't fully rooted in Christ and His Word. Men who are unashamed of their faith are HOT. Men who are unsure... are not.

-Have accountability - don't go on there looking for a date...look for a wife. Honestly there are plenty of women who are looking for hookups. If you are just looking for a girl to like you, you will find one. Look for a Godly woman. Ask a couple guys to help keep your actions and intentions on track.

- Let this be a learning experience so you can work up courage and have a better understanding of how you are uniquely designed.

-Give good Godly girls a chance even if they don't fit the picture you have in your mind. I know many AMAZING women who love God and are looking for good men like you! We hope you'll be searching for us too! 

Conclusion

All in All, I was encouraged. No, I'm not married yet, but I'm so glad that God has opened up opportunities for me to have feedback on things. Even though I don't get asked out from guys in my church, this doesn't mean that Godly guys outside of my church aren't looking for someone exactly like me! Some men like to keep their Church life simple and they don't want to complicate that with dating. Thats ok. I learned how to reject men honorably and how to give them helpful feedback and how to challenge their faith so they move closer to Heaven. I learned how to be even stronger with my faith and identity in Christ and to not give Satan ground when it comes to my love life. I learned how I can fall and what lies I'm prone to believe...and God has made me more strong in fighting against them! God showed me once again that He accepts me. He finds me beautiful. He wants me. This has never changed! I have seen wonderful marriages result from online dating. I'm not closing the door on it. I'm not one to tell God what He can and cannot use for His glory. Of course, It's not for everyone. But if you feel like giving it a try- Pray about it and Go for it! No matter where you meet them I hope that you find an amazing husband or wife!

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4 Things Christians "Shouldn't" SAY

The Christian life can sometimes feel like a game with too many rules. We train every service, every Bible study, and in every other meeting to spot what a good Christian looks like and how to avoid looking like a pagan! Of course none of our gatherings and studies are meant to guilt us into loving Jesus. But in reality there actually are a lot of dos and don'ts in the Bible. And they can be a little overwhelming sometimes...But the real weight comes from our own false obligations and expectations of each other and ourselves. We have to admit that grace stands in the way of our condemnation and that sometimes making an exception to the rules is not only ok but good in the right time and place. I hope you see this series as a chance to rethink our misconceptions, enjoy the beauty of sarcasm, and to learn to live through the eyes of Grace.

-Clichés
Which of the following annoys you most ? "WWJD: What Would Jesus Do?", "Whenever you stop looking for a mate is when they will just show up!", or "When God closes a door, he opens a window." If I'm honest, I'd say that they are all pretty annoying or at the very least overused. At one time in my life I'm sure I've taken each of these to heart...heck maybe even given them an "Amen!". But its 2015... if it was said last week, then its already passé. I will shoot the next person that makes a joke about "the dress"...jk! But this is the day we live in. Once we hear a phrase, experience something, or encounter a new thing...it almost immediately loses its power. Its the unfortunate effect of living in the twitter generation. But sometimes going back to those old phrases still helps. Again if I'm honest, asking myself what Jesus would do...would actually really help me sin less and help me evaluate my motives. Some clichés are still true and can still be powerful! Just know the right time to use them, know your audience...and of course make sure they line up with God's word.

-The Truth
Political Correctness is the king of the land these days. I'll tell you right now. I'ts pretty stupid when people's feelings trump truth. Our culture repeatedly tells us that "real" Christians wouldn't judge. They would be the most passive. They would be the ones to give all of their freedoms away for the sake of Heaven. BULL! The Bible doesn't tell us to be cowards, or weaklings, or slaves of the world! I say that a true Christian SHOULD make the world somewhat uncomfortable! We have the responsibility to set Christ's standards and keep them, to speak the truth in season and out, to be good judges of character and to speak out against ungodly actions. This is a very unpopular belief and even harder thing to actually do...but to be real Christians - we must speak and live the truth, always.

-"You're Wrong"
This one goes hand in hand with the one above. But this one seems to come against us more than come from our own mouths. I feel we've stopped calling out sin these days for 2 reasons.... we'd rather build relationships with believers than judge them which is good....but we've also turned into cowards. We've taken this to an extreme. Somehow we've been pushed into the corner where all the fingers are pointed at us and they've taken away our ability to speak into each other's lives. I love the old saying that goes something like... "If you knew the world was ending, then wouldn't you want to tell everybody else?!" Because this is still true! As Christians we have a responsibility to point people to the cure...but its pretty difficult to tell someone they need it when they don't think they are sick. Sin deceives, divides, destroys. Take it seriously. We need to find the courage again to show the people around us that wrong belief, worshiping the wrong things, and selfish living really do lead to death. Sin leads to death- this is what we know to be true. Of course build a relationship with them first-but when the time is right- call out death and speak life!

-The word "Hate"
As you can see my sarcastic points on this post continue to progress but keep pointing to the same thing -  Speaking the harshest of truths in the darkest of times. This is the time we live in. It is time to speak life and to speak UP! We have become comfortable at not taking risks but blending into our culture. It seems to be this strange rule that in 2015, you really aren't allowed to hate anyone or anything. Heck even if you spoke out against ISIS or Hitler...someone would probably defend them and then point the finger back at you. But there are things that God hates and that they are the reason that Jesus had to die. He had to CONQUER death! He's not fine and dandy with us making a home with sin. A few things God hates and we should hate too: People who kill the innocent, those who plot evil or run to evil's front lines, those who cause discord in families. He says it pretty clearly in Proverbs 6:16-19. Know God's word! When we claim we love everything from pizza to our iphones, its important to know what God truly loves and what He truly hates.

Coming Soon - 4 Things Christians "Shouldn't" BELIEVE

More amazing verses about our words!

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.
Prov 18:21

Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips!
Psalm 141:3

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks justice.
Psalm 37:30

I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.
Matt 12:36-37

So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.
1 Peter 2:1

With patience a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue will break a bone.
Prov 25:15 (All of Prov 25 is filled with good stuff btw!)

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.
Colossians 4:6

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4 Things Christians "Shouldn't" FEEL

The Christian life can sometimes feel like a game with too many rules. We train every service, every Bible study, and in every other meeting to spot what a good Christian looks like and how to avoid looking like a pagan! Of course none of our gatherings and studies are meant to guilt us into loving Jesus. But in reality there actually are a lot of dos and don'ts in the Bible. And they can be a little overwhelming sometimes...But the real weight comes from our own false obligations and expectations of each other and ourselves. We have to admit that grace stands in the way of our condemnation and that sometimes making an exception to the rules is not only ok but good in the right time and place. I hope you see this series as a chance to rethink our misconceptions, enjoy the beauty of sarcasm, and to learn to live through the eyes of Grace.

If you are a "Good" Christian you definitely can't feel...

-Depressed
The one thing you have to feel all the time in order to be a good Christian is joy. Bull! Tell that to Job, David, Mary, Noah..... Think about Noah for a minute. He's already seen his townsman ignore God. Then he goes through years building an ark, the whole time knowing that everyone else on Earth is going to die by drowning. Then he has to watch it all happen. The death of every other living thing except for those on the Ark. You can bet that he wasn't filled with joy. David is famous for writing about his darkness. Mary watches her son be crucified...Now, try and tell me that she wasn't crushed. There are dark times in our lives. Sadness, grief, and depression are in the range of emotions that God made us to experience. Life can beat you down through harsh circumstance. Its not a sin to be depressed. Not even close. The important thing is that God doesn't want us to live in it. You can and will overcome. Victory is in God's nature. He's beat it all-death, disease, disappointment, and disaster. Defeating depression takes a fight but you can! Read more about how to win the battle here.

-Horny
Yea, I just went there! Let's all be honest now...You didn't drop out of the sky. Your mom and dad did a little dance together and it wasn't because they were the last people on Earth and it was their sole purpose to procreate. Ha! Take a small glance at Song of Songs "Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine...Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers." Bow Chicka Wow Wow! LOL! The key to sexual desire and living the Christian life is context. Are you married? Yes-then go for it! No-then talk to God about it. Obviously as we mature we all have sex drives but honoring God with it is the secret. Don't let hormones drive you into a world of guilt. Feelings aren't sin if you surrender them to God.

-Rage
There is a time and place for everything. The Bible says that God is jealous. When we put other gods (other things, people, desires, goals, ideals) before Him, He gets upset. It was the first commandment. He gets angry over many things- hurting the innocent, enslaving His people, desecrating His house, etc. There are even times in the bible when God's anger is the cause of destruction or punishment for a whole group of people. The 1 Chapter of Nahum says that "He reserves wrath for His enemies." But God's anger always accomplishes His will. Take a look at Jehu in 2 Kings 9 &10. When you think about ISIS killing Christians & Boko Haram kidnapping schoolgirls remember that God is storing up wrath for them. Even in Matthew 10:34 it says don't be fooled, "Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."

-Happy
Like the rest of these emotions, there is a time and a place. Lately, its been popular to believe that happiness is not the goal of Christianity...and I would agree. But people have also taken this to the extreme of saying that God never wants us to be happy. Well, thats just depressing huh?! We need to take a look at what God really wants for us. Psalm 40:8 says "I delight to do Your will, O my God" and Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Happiness is not natural. Throughout the Bible we see that happiness was a result of putting trust in God's will despite circumstance. That's what happiness is- a life surrendered to the Almighty!

NEXT WEEK: 4 Things Christians "Shouldn't" SAY

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4 Things Christians "Shouldn't" DO

The Christian life can sometimes feel like a game with too many rules. We train every service, every Bible study, and in every other meeting to spot what a good Christian looks like and how to avoid looking like a pagan! Of course none of our gatherings and studies are meant to guilt us into loving Jesus. But in reality there actually are a lot of dos and don'ts in the Bible. And they can be a little overwhelming sometimes...But the real weight comes from our own false obligations and expectations of each other and ourselves. We have to admit that grace stands in the way of our condemnation and that sometimes making an exception to the rules is not only ok but good in the right time and place. I hope you see this series as a chance to rethink our misconceptions, enjoy the beauty of sarcasm, and to learn to live through the eyes of Grace.

If you are a "Good" Christian you definitely can't ...

-Be a Democrat
I think Jesus is the very definition of line-crosser. Again and again he broke social norms, crossed political lines, took religious positions contrary to those of the popular opinion. Question your thinking before confidently stating that Jesus would have been a conservative republican were he alive today. Would he have championed minorities and underprivileged groups? Yes. Would he have wanted to create programs to help the needy and poor? Yes. Would he have taken care of the environment? Yes. Of course there are some important points that He would have completely disagreed with democrats on but it doesn't mean that He would have not ardently joined with them on some others. Don't put God in a box. Remember Gal 3:28 "There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

-Drink Alcohol
We've been debating this one for a long while. You can find pastors and theologians on both sides. The Bible even serves up MANY verses on the subject. Deut 14:26 talks about buying wine and other fermented drinks and to enjoy them. In John 2, Jesus creates GOOD wine from water...not juice. What the Bible does say Christians shouldn't do is be a drunkard. Romans 13:13 says don't participate in orgies, drunkenness, or quarreling. 1 Tim 3:8 requires that deacons not indulge in much wine. Romans 8:21-22 "It is better not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything else if it might cause another believer to stumble.You may believe there’s nothing wrong with what you are doing, but keep it between yourself and God. Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty for doing something they have decided is right."

-Give Up Your Child For Adoption
You may think that the Bible has little to say on this topic...and from the mother's perspective you would be right. But what we need to focus on is that adoption is seen in the Bible as good and a blessing! No matter the circumstance. Whether it was a government forcing certain children to be eliminated (like Moses) or after parents' death, a child being given to the most caring family member (like Esther) the child was not raised by the birth parents. Choosing a prosperous future and a life of love can be a painful decision but it is God's nature to bring Joy from Sorrow. Adoption has always been part of God's plan. Eph 1:5 says "God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure."

-Doubt
To be honest, I wish I was one of those people who never doubted- who never wavered. They amaze me truly. To be like Job and to keep your hope solely in God, miraculous! But like many people, I have been through my taste of hell on earth. To see a person you love struggle with a debilitating disease that you've prayed and prayed to be healed but to no answer. To see friend after friend get married, have babies, get promotions, fulfill their dreams...but your heart's desires go unfulfilled. To see believers martyred by terrorist groups, to watch storms rip through your hometown, to be weighed down my disappointments, debt, and tragedy can bring what little faith we may have to its exhaustion. The beauty of doubt is that it forces us to look at reality and choose. The uncomfortable tension that doubt produces brings us to think about what really matters and how we will move forward. The Psalms are full of doubt and agony but God is able to handle it. David's wrestling grew his faith and it does the same to ours.


NEXT WEEK: 4 Things Christians "Shouldn't" FEEL
Sources:
http://www.christianpost.com/news/christians-and-alcohol-112361/
http://biblehub.com/topical/a/adoption.htm
Robert Downey Jr. attempts a wink by celebnewswire | copyright all rights reserved by author

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The BEST Wine

One of my favorite stories is the one of how Brother Lawrence came to know God. One day he's just staring at this tree. Not just staring but really doing some deep thinking about how the dead leaves were falling off and how the tree was awaiting spring and summer to have fullness again. And it just hit him...this was what God's love for Him looked like. He was never the same after that.

Honestly for most of us- staring at a tree doesn't do it! With real footage of planes crashing, beheadings, and wild hurricanes ripping through cities...its not really surprising that we demand to have an almost mind-blowing life experience to really come to see the one true God. We are pretty numb. It takes a lot for us to be shocked and even more for us to change. And its even sadder that even after we do become Christians that we keep expecting God to do explosive things to get our attention. Its almost like we keep holding our lives ransom until God does the next big thing and the next and the next.

But the tree was enough for Bro. Lawrence. You know what he spent the rest of his life doing? washing dishes. No joke. He worked in monastery's kitchen for the majority of his life. In fact he is famous for Practicing the Presence of God ...literally (the title of his published letters). God's presence was where he wanted to stay from the moment he looked at that tree til the day he died. He did this by doing the most lowly of tasks-serving. This wasn't always enough for him...but God's presence was.

I tell you about Bro. Lawrence to lead you into why you are supposedly reading about Wine. And of course you didn't come here for just any wine...but the BEST wine.

As we all do, I have been going through one of life's big storms. Really-its been hellacious (my own word). It hit unexpectedly. It was insanely rough. I didn't understand its purpose. But needless to say-I'm pushing through it. I've been spending some time with God-crying out, relaxing at home, and just taking a life-breather. And as we all know, work doesn't stop just because life is throwing you for a loop. So because I work in a library, I was doing that old librarian thing of shelving books. I was in the wine section lining up these books (see below), just me and my thoughts alone...when I had a Brother Lawrence tree moment....

"Wait for the good wine."

Of course it was a small voice but a clear one. I'm not really a wine drinker and I was at work so it was clear God wasn't telling me to actually get ready to buy some merlot. He was telling me that the things that have broken, the people he has removed, the plans he has changed have been to give me a good life, not a satisfactory one. These books in front of me were on everything about wine. How to have a good orchard. How to produce the best flavor. Where to find the best wine in Texas. Everything you want to know about wine, my library has it. But God was telling me that He is a craftsman of fine wine. He's not only the best gardener, He's also the best bartender. He knows every single detail of my life. He knows what needs to be ripped away, what needs to be replanted, what needs to die. Because He is crafting the BEST wine. His methods are making me into the BEST wine He can craft.

I could be more even more cliche and talk about all the verses of the Bible we've heard a thousand times about God being the vine and us the branches, or remind you that His first miracle was creating insanely delicious wine at a wedding or even talk about how His life was poured out like wine. But I won't continue with the list.

It comes down to this ...
God will stop at nothing to make you more like His son Jesus. If so much of the Word compares wine with being good and the best of this life....then He is going to make your life like the BEST wine.

He is going to break off dead leaves.
He is going to strain the juice from the pulp.
He is going to place you in dark places to wait.

He is going to get as much glory from your life as He possibly can. The very best wine that is of the highest quality and value is the wine that has been waited for. He is taking His time. And He has every right to, because He is the winemaker.

One last thought.
Your husband, your boss, the guy in the car in front of you...He's turning them into fine wine too. Have some patience and some grace while He does His life's work.

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The Unbearable "Uns"

No this isn't new slang. This isn't a secret abbreviation. They aren't poisonous fruits from the desert or the feeling you get after you just finished a Grey's Anatomy-watching binge on Netflix.

The unexplained

The unimaginable

The undetermined

The uncomfortable

The unspeakable

THESE terrible, ugly, horrifying situations above are the bane of my existence. I would be completely satisfied if I never had to meet them ever again. Because when we meet I ugly cry and get queasy...I want to hide in a jar of Nutella... I want to retire early in Belize... I want to completely shut down.

I'm sure you've met them...but if you haven't, let me introduce you to some of their personalities.

I'm the relationship that just crumbles and goes dark without rational explanation. Leaving you to guess- was it something you did? Was it a psychological problem they have? Will you ever see them again?

I'm the unexplained

I'm the cancer that showed up in your 4-year old. The kind that will take every dollar, every tear, every ounce of strength, every vacation day that you have.

 I'm the unimaginable

I'm the 42 job applications that you just sent out just hoping and praying that yours will be noticed among the thousands of others when you're on your last unemployment check.

 I'm the undetermined

I'm your new father-in-law under the influence, strangely confiding in you that he's about to divorce your new bride's mother after 30 years of marriage.

I'm the uncomfortable

I'm the horror of having your village's school girls kidnapped. Your government not caring enough. And the terrorists taunting you with tweets of their new "husbands."

 I'm the unspeakable

These are the things that take steel courage to put on facebook. Because you know the pity and the questions could push you over the edge. So they rarely make it to a status update. Let's be honest- these types of moments are ones that we have ALL encountered. And they are the ones that make us question everything. Humanity. Existence. God.

Really-does The almighty, perfect, omnipotent God believe that fallible, weak, little ol me could continue to stand when faced with terrors such as these?!
The answer - No... At least not alone.

Elisabeth Eliot's 2nd husband who died of cancer was quoted as saying this. "When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die." Elisabeth's first husband was slaughtered by a tribe while trying to minister to them. She went back and finished the job-lived with them and converted the whole village. She went and lived with her terror. Through her and the other wives, an entire village met Jesus. But it started with death. Jesus' and her husband's and she was well aware that she could have been the third but SHE STILL WENT!

If I were her, I would then think that I had paid my dues... That of course God would never make me face another "Un" ever again...but you remember that I already told you that her 2nd husband died of cancer. So it just isn't true. God isn't nice. He isn't safe. (As Lucy in Narnia puts it)

To be raw with you, I am facing an Un in my life right now. I'm smack in the middle of it. I have no idea what will happen in 30 minutes or the next month. But what I do know is this - I am not alone, God intimately knows the situation, and that my job is to lean in and trust Him.

For days or weeks or even years you may have cried, prayed, read all the best books, talked to the professionals, joined the support groups, and on and on. But no matter what God says this "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9


He says lean in because you're not alone. In fact he says 100+ times in the Bible In an array of times and places. He is saying it to me right now. He is saying it to you. As My Utmost For His Highest puts it...

“I say to you, do not worry about your life….” Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing— our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, “That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.” Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.
“Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:34).

I don't know if what your facing is the unimaginable or the Undetermined. It may be both. All I know is that you are NOT alone. God knows what you are facing. And it's time to keep going because even when we feel like tapping out, God never relents.

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