Christian Dating Culture - Women

"Why aren't you married?"

It's a question singles hear quite often these days. Some of us have an answer or two or three-  and usually the answer is complex. But even though the question isn't meant to hurt but to encourage, it usually ends up stinging a little no matter how valid our answer to it may be.

The same question was studied by Pew Research Center and its results published in Time Magazine. The study  focused on 3 answers - Not ready to settle down, Not financially prepared, and Haven't found what I'm looking for. Since we are focusing on singles ages 25-40, here are the percentages that said that they hadn't found what they were looking for.

29% (Ages 25-34) and a whopping 41% (Ages 35+)

Does what we are looking for exist?
 Or is it the way we are looking that should change?

The purpose of this post is to be the start of a fruitful conversation for solutions and direction regarding the problem of the current Christian Dating Culture. If you think there isn't any problem with it-you need only walk in to a church singles group and count the number of couples versus singles. Is the problem due to the fact that we have unlimited choices and therefor less grace for one another, maybe its due to the feminist movement affecting the church, or how we have been raised to have very high standards and push them even higher when looking for a mate within the Church? Let's talk about it, pray, seek counsel, and start being part of the solution.

I asked 5 single, godly women ages 25-40 from different Bible studies 

to answer some of the questions at the root of the issue.

Here are their answers.

(All A answers are the same woman, all B answers are the same woman, etc.)

Would you rather be in a relationship right now than single? Do you have an intentional reason for being single right now?

A:What I want is God's will for my life. Are there times when I want to be in a relationship? Absolutely, yes. But what I trust in more than my own desires is God's good plan and purposes. Singleness as a gift is not a cliche, it is a rich time in our lives where we can live very freely. You can say yes to meet with friends at a moment's notice, you can give money freely without having to consider the needs of others, you can drop almost everything to go meet a need because you are unentangled. Marriage is a beautiful, God- given gift that I am so excited to one day participate in, but for now - even when it is difficult - I rest in knowing that I am living out God's will for my life; I have more peace in that than I could in making the right thing happen at the wrong time by pushing my own timeline rather than the Lord's.

B: For me, the only reason that I want to be in a relationship right now is to grow in my ability to love another person. I want to sacrificially give of myself in ways that I’m just not challenged to do in my singleness. Together, with my spouse, we will be able to accomplish far more than either of us could do on our own. Marriage is designed to serve, in one aspect, as a great purifier. To call out the best and worst in each of us, and cultivate a life of daily discipleship. Love is a choice. So no, I am not intentionally single right now. However, I have no desire to enter into a relationship that isn’t centered on mutual growth in Christ.
C: I would definitely rather be in a relationship now as long as it was a healthy one. I've always been very independent. I've never felt like I had to have a man in order to accomplish things. I'm at a time in my life now though where I definitely long for a close relationship with a man that I trust and respect. The older I get, the more I understand all the amazing differences the Lord has made in men and women (besides the obvious ones :)). He has made men and women different in ways that ideally should compliment each other.  I'd love to have a loving and trusting environment where I could learn more about the Lord, myself and my husband. 
D: Yes, I'd rather be in a relationship right now, but I've finally come to the wonderful realization I am more than content being single.  I am not choosing to be single, so to speak.​  Well, sure, I can choose to be in a relationship with that non Christian single guy who grunts at the gym and gets drunk every other weekend, but I'd rather not.
E: I'd rather be in a relationship. No.

What are you looking for in a husband?

A: I want a man for whom God's glory is his first priority. I want a man who loves God more than he loves me, because I believe that is the only way my husband can truly love me well, and because is there anything more important in life than loving and serving the Lord?
I want a man whose heart is for the Lord because it will lead him to be humble, joyful, thankful, kind, compassionate, and strong. I want a husband who understands what God designed him to be as a man and who has a desire to live that out. I want someone who desires to cultivate my holiness and our holiness as a couple to show the world who God is. And it certainly wouldn't hurt if he has a great sense of humor and enjoys having lots of fun.

B: Husband material for me is someone whose standard is God’s standard. We share the same perspective on what’s important, and how we choose to spend our time and resources. I also want my husband to be funny, with the ability to grow with the flow. He happily embraces all my unique aspects, and views me as a treasure.
C: My number one desire is that my husband love the Lord! I hope that many of the other qualities I'm looking for would follow as a by-product of his dedication to Christ. I'd love a man who is loving, kind, patient, forgiving, and thoughtful. I would want to know that a potential husband understands how to love those around him even when life is difficult.

I have an amazing father who loves The Lord and has shown me what a good husband and father looks like. My parents were foster parents. We received many kids that were very abused by their birth parents. This includes my adopted brother and sister. My sister always had violent tantrums. My father never ceased to be loving, kind and patient with her. I could always see on his face how difficult it was. I could see the toll it took on him and the sadness and hopelessness it sometimes caused. When my father felt that way he would look to the Lord for guidance, patience, and peace. In turn, his faith in the Lord strengthened my parents' marriage. My mother trusted my father's judgment and respected him.

D: Sexy, model, soccer player, tri-lingual, 6'2'', can rock skinny jeans, ... just kidding!  ​
 I’m excited to be that Proverbs 31 woman to a man who loves God more than me.  I’m excited to have a man who loves a woman who respects You more than him. If my future man truly has God number one in his life, everything else will fall into place.  I'm looking for a sinner!! Don't read that wrong; I don't want someone who wants to walk in sin; I want a husband who realizes he's a sinner but repents, picks up the Cross daily and follows Jesus.  My husband and I will mess up and have arguments, but I want...no...need a man who's focus is on his relationship with Jesus, not me.  Someone who leads well because he's in tune with the Holy Spirit.  That is waaaay more attractive than a tri-lingual model soccer player.​
E: Someone who loves the Lord. Has a good work ethic. Has compassion for people. Takes care of himself.Confident enough to not let me walk all over him.

Do you think our current dating culture in the church is being fruitful? Is there something you would change?

A: Sometimes. I think too often we wait passively for God to bring us 'the one.' It is okay to actively show interest in the men/women around us running the same race at the same pace! I think we need a healthy recalibration of what God designed marriage to be and our understanding of how to pursue someone with whom we can have a God-purposed, God-glorifying marriage. If one major purpose of marriage is to bring God glory, then lets find people with whom we can accomplish this well!

B: While God has given us a model for marriage, the same cannot be said for dating. He allows for matches to happen in a variety of creative ways! How fun! No love story starts with the same exact beginning so I caution anyone wanting to shift or control an approach designed to be fruitful for the masses. At the heart of it all are the attitudes we ultimately have about what it means to be in a covenant relationship with another. Let the conversation start there, and not let it end until each person has made a commitment to actually walk it out. Perhaps, the focus shouldn’t necessarily be on how the current dating culture is affecting us collectively. It should be on how I choose to date as an individual that makes a difference. I’m not concerned with how everyone else is behaving. I don’t need all men in the world to be on my same wavelength when it comes to marriage. I just need one. And the fact that I’m not married yet has no direct relation to any “current dating culture” happening in the church. 
C: That is a difficult question for me to answer in an unbiased way. Clearly the culture is fruitful for some! It has not been fruitful for me so that naturally casts the whole thing in a negative light. I grew up in a church with lots of old people. I didn't have any Christian friends my age until I moved to Houston. As a result, I am much more comfortable with older believers. They are more laid back. They are friendlier because they don't have the disadvantage of being insecure about themselves. The young single Christian culture has been a very difficult thing for me to get used to. The church does not intentionally create environments that sometimes feel like meat markets but it feels that way none the less. I understand the purpose of creating separate LBS classes for different ages and times of life. I think maybe the different groups are a little bit too isolated sometimes. It would be good to see the example more regularly of older believers that understand the reality of marriage and love. It would help to learn about how to look for a husband more realistically. 
D: Fruitful?  I'm using the definition synonymous of "successful" in my response, outta clarity.  I take this word two different ways.  If by fruitful, are we as singles, learning from dating, then yes, the dating culture at HFBC is fruitful.  We learn how to go on a date here or there, we learn from (sometimes awkward) breakups, we learn how to gossip better, we come out a dating situation hopefully a little more mature, we can be more fruitful by learning more about boundaries (which is a huge deal).  Sometimes a fruitful relationship doesn't turn to marriage but allows for spiritual and emotional growth. If by fruitful, you mean dating which leads to marriage, then that's a big "N" to the "O"!  There are HUNDREDS of singles at this church but the percentage of those actually getting married is microscopic.  Now, I'm sure there are marriages happening I don't know about, but there should be a lot more. Why is there not more teaching's about dating?  I understand some people just don't want to hear it, but let's face it, a lot of us are in Summit to get more than just the Holy Spirit.  **wink wink nudge nudge**  Am I right or am I right?  I wish there were more ways for there to be more natural mentorship between Summit and more mature church members; something not so forced.  I I'd love to have more opportunities for women to encourage the men without it being weird.  I almost wish it was required for classes to mingle with every other class throughout the year, somehow.  I don't know.  I know there needs to be change within the church, I just don't know what that would look like.
E: I think it's pretty fruitful. It's not exactly working out for me personally but the many many weddings among my friends this year and last year indicate that it is indeed working. Honestly I think people over analyze potential relationships instead of just taking a shot and seeing what happens. And I think people need to be better able to deal with each other on a continuing basis when a relationship doesn't work out because we are still all in a community together. 

Do you think that with the current Christian dating culture that 70% or more single Christians will be married by 33?

A: I certainly hope so.

B: Whose to know? And why the age 33? Whose to say 70% of single Christians “should” be married by 33? When we start putting a statistic on things, we focus on limitations rather than the remarkable variety of life journeys that we’re all on. Comparison is not a worldview we should have on marriage.
C: No. Whether or not we like it we live in a sinful world. The sinful world influences us in ways that don't even feel sinful most of the time. That's very scary. The world says you can always have bigger and better. There is always a upgrade! Young Christians today (myself included) go into dating with that mindset. "This person is good but I'm sure I can do better!! There must be something better!" This goes on and on until we're old and never satisfied. 
D: I'd like to think so, but I just don't know.  This world, our society, plays more of an immediate impact on Christian's lives than people might want to believe.  33 is OLD to get married, especially for a woman and a Christian. 70% is pushing it; I believe the percentage would be lower since we seem to be gravitating away from Biblical truths.​  Maybe we should stop dating and look into courting.
E: Yes

What do you think is the reason that so many 25-40 year old Christians are still single?

A: In many ways we are more self-focused than ever, and sometimes relationships get in the way of doing what we want to do. We lack confidence! In ourselves, in the opposite sex, in the process. Some of us are immature spiritually, and nothing will simply fall into place if the most important thing - our relationship with God - is not in place first. Brothers and sisters God desires our hearts! If we won't give our hearts to the One who made them then why should we give them to anyone less?

B:There are a variety of reasons why any one of us is single at any given time. Personally, for me, I have not dedicated space in my life for intentionally fostering opportunities to socialize with a variety of Christian men on a consistent basis. My husband is not going to fall magically from the sky right in front of me. I realize that. While God can orchestrate a meetcute, at any given time, as I travel all around the world, my heart posture still has to be open to the possibility. It’s different than wondering if every man you meet is the one. It’s having the confidence to know that each encounter can be the beginning of something truly amazing if you choose to look at it that way, whether it ends in a relationship or not. 

C: I wish I knew specifically why there are so many. It would help me discover why I am one of them. Part of the reason is what I said in the Christian culture question. We are always thinking that there is a better option.We don't take the time to love people in spite of what we deem as their physical imperfections and the stumbles they've had in life. We want perfection even when we are not perfect. 
D: I just don't know?  Maybe because we realize it's okay not to be married right outta college.  Or maybe we're turning away from God's calling and becoming more dependent on ourselves instead of more dependent on Him?  Maybe there are more singles because God's using us to witness to nonbelievers our own age.​  Maybe we, as women, are so focused on feminism instead of being feminine.  Perhaps, because of feminism, women are pursuing relationships instead of the man, which in turn have men taking a more passive role in relationships?  Maybe we, as women, are so focused on the end product (marriage) we forget to focus on the process of becoming more godly?  Maybe we don't have enough mature believers in our lives pouring into us?  I just don't know.
E: I think a lot of us have grown up and seen or experienced many broken homes and it scares us that we may live that out in our adult lives. So we wait because we think we might find something that we can be absolutely sure won't fail. Many others feel like they have to achieve a certain level of personal growth. job success, and financial stability before they can start a family. Basically I think it ends up being that we don't trust God enough to get us through things so we try to retain a measure of control because of our fear instead of stepping into relationships in Faith. Also there have just been societal changes. Women often work full time and have more pursuits outside of building a home and family. Also we live longer and can have children later into our lives which shifts the age at which we feel like we should "settle down".

What do you think is most confusing/hard to understand about the opposite sex?

A: Men's intentions. Are you interested in me or just flirting to have fun? Sometimes you seem interested but nothing happens. Are you unsure if you want to ask me out, too nervous to do so, am I not your 'first choice' or is something else going on?

B: People are people. Male and female are both created in the image of God. While certain behaviors may be different, ultimately, we all want the same things. I think the things that confuse us have a lot more to do with how accepting we are with others, and laying down expectations again and again and again. 
C: Everything! Specifically it's hard for me to figure out if a guy has intentions beyond flirting. Sometimes a guy flirts with me a lot and maybe even uses me a little to help him with things. I get hopeful about the prospect and then find out he has no intentions other that friendship. That's confusing and hurtful.
D: Personally, what's ​most hard to understand is how I can be such great friends with a man and it's nothing more than a friendship.  I hear phrases telling me I'm wonderful, godly, in shape, funny, welcoming, friendly...blah blah blah.  We flirt, we get along well and even others mention we should be together.  All the characteristics you look for in a woman I have, yet...we're just friends.  Why?  Oh, that's right...because I don't look the part.  I see your eyes scanning that beautiful single girl who just walked behind me.  I don't even need to see her for me to know you're physically attracted to her.  You don't think I notice your subtle stare as that girl walked into class?  Every quality you want in a woman I possess, but I'm baffled how that'll never be enough.  Yes, physical attraction is important, but I just don't understand the magnitude at which I'm seeing it lived out. Also, I've heard men say they don't take subtle cues very well (or at all) from women when we like you, but how are we to express our interest without crossing boundaries?  Women don't want to come across as needy or clingy, but we want you to know we're interested without compromising your role in pursuing us...how do we do that?​
E: I don't find men to be particularly confusing.  Sometimes I think they find very odd things funny (like guys hitting each other with stuff).

What advice/encouragement do you have for the same sex? for the opposite sex?

A: Men - You're never going to find a wife if you don't pursue women (in a healthy way) now. Get to know better women that you may be interested in. Learn about their character, their heart for the Lord, what they want in a marriage. BE INTENTIONAL. And be clear with her in your intentions. If you just want to get to know her better to see if dating would be a good fit for you two, tell her that. If you want to date her with intent to marry, tell her that. If you are truly pursuing a wise woman of character, dating will not be nearly as painful as you imagine, even if you ask her out and she does not have the same interest back. God did not desing you to be passive, He designed you to be wise in action. So act!
Women - Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and these things shall be given to you. Ladies keep your eyes on Jesus, and everything else is manageable. If you are interested in a man, encourage him to pursue you by showing your interest back without giving everything away in friendship. If he wants to get to know you more he will have to put forth the effort to do so! Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Date cautiously and with intention, keeping in mind always God's glory and His will in all relationships. God created marriage for His good glory, and He will be faithful with your desire in it while you are serving Him.

B: Make a decision on the kind of person you choose to be, and systematically remove all the things that are incongruent. Even if it takes 80 years. Don’t be afraid to have a standard. 
C: Trust the Lord! Trust in His timing! It's cliche but true. When I genuinely look to Jesus for help I find peace in singleness. I have to pray for a renewal of trust every day. I would rather be single that in a miserable loveless marriage!
D: Here's some encouragement ladies:​  God has called us to be women of and for God!  We are under God and we are His first and foremost; it's a beautiful thing to be protected by HIm!  Don't worry if that guy doesn't text you, call back, ignores you...move on!  If he's interested, he'll come.  If you want to be pursued you have to let yourself be pursued.  Women, what are you doing, right now, to develop your role as a future Proverbs 31 women?  Even if you have no desire to be married, what are you doing to encourage the men in your life?  How are you bringing light and life to those around you?  "It is our destiny, planned, ordained, fulfilled by an all-wise, all-powerful, all-loving Lord" to be women of God!  Live in that truth for Him and His glory, not for any man. 

Fellas:  You may hear a lot of women, articles, books saying how y'all needa grow up and be men.  No!  You are men!  There are good, solid, Christian men all around!!!  You are one of them!​ 

Let me tell you, I may be outspoken and super extroverted and confident and know I need to work on shutting up and listening more, but I cannot wait for the day to submit to my husband.  I can't speak for all women, but I'm praying for my future man right now.  Be encouraged there are women who want to be on your team, who want to encourage you, who want to tell you how much they respect and adore you, who want to walk WITH you, be for you and not against you, bring you good not harm, women who love your confidence, who want to be YOUR helper, because that, fellas, was His original plan.  For women to be a helper.  We can't wait...well, at least I can't wait for the day a man like you walks into my life and leads! There are women who want to submit to a man of God like you...just lead the way and we'll gladly follow.  If you're truly seeking God, we women WILL take notice.  Men, please don't be intimidated, nervous, shy, scared or what have you.  You may not hear this enough, or at all, but thank you men, for all you've done already.  Please continue to be the 

man God has called you to be.
E: For ladies I'd say be careful about building relationships in your head. Many times we build things up to the extent that reality will not be able to meet our expectations. Also don't lose hope, being single isn't easy but it does provide the time for a lot of opportunities
For guys I'd say keep putting yourself out there and taking shots. Sure rejection isn't fun but it's not the end of the world either so don't build something up so much that it'll be all the more crushing. And maybe don't ask out the same girl that 5 of your buddies have already asked out and been shot down by. Broaden your outlook a little. There are tons of great available ladies at the church.

Source:
http://time.com/3422624/report-millennials-marriage/

Further Reading:
http://www.churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/162128-singled-out-does-the-church-ignore-singles.html
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/augustweb-only/131-31.0.html
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/augustweb-only/131-31.0.html
http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-dating-culture-part-1-majority-of-single-christians-reject-idea-of-waiting-for-marriage-to-have-sex-114422/
http://www.christianpost.com/news/pew-for-one-how-is-the-church-responding-to-growing-number-of-singles-70586/
http://pastors.com/single-adults/

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/9-things-you-should-know-about-marriage-in-america

http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-new-fight-for-marriage

http://money.cnn.com/2014/07/20/news/economy/millennials-marriage/

http://www.beinkandescent.com/articles/730/millennials-and-marriage

http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/03/07/millennials-in-adulthood/

http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/SOOU2012.pdf

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/11/millennials-marriage-age_n_4944558.html