The Unbearable "Uns"

No this isn't new slang. This isn't a secret abbreviation. They aren't poisonous fruits from the desert or the feeling you get after you just finished a Grey's Anatomy-watching binge on Netflix.

The unexplained

The unimaginable

The undetermined

The uncomfortable

The unspeakable

THESE terrible, ugly, horrifying situations above are the bane of my existence. I would be completely satisfied if I never had to meet them ever again. Because when we meet I ugly cry and get queasy...I want to hide in a jar of Nutella... I want to retire early in Belize... I want to completely shut down.

I'm sure you've met them...but if you haven't, let me introduce you to some of their personalities.

I'm the relationship that just crumbles and goes dark without rational explanation. Leaving you to guess- was it something you did? Was it a psychological problem they have? Will you ever see them again?

I'm the unexplained

I'm the cancer that showed up in your 4-year old. The kind that will take every dollar, every tear, every ounce of strength, every vacation day that you have.

 I'm the unimaginable

I'm the 42 job applications that you just sent out just hoping and praying that yours will be noticed among the thousands of others when you're on your last unemployment check.

 I'm the undetermined

I'm your new father-in-law under the influence, strangely confiding in you that he's about to divorce your new bride's mother after 30 years of marriage.

I'm the uncomfortable

I'm the horror of having your village's school girls kidnapped. Your government not caring enough. And the terrorists taunting you with tweets of their new "husbands."

 I'm the unspeakable

These are the things that take steel courage to put on facebook. Because you know the pity and the questions could push you over the edge. So they rarely make it to a status update. Let's be honest- these types of moments are ones that we have ALL encountered. And they are the ones that make us question everything. Humanity. Existence. God.

Really-does The almighty, perfect, omnipotent God believe that fallible, weak, little ol me could continue to stand when faced with terrors such as these?!
The answer - No... At least not alone.

Elisabeth Eliot's 2nd husband who died of cancer was quoted as saying this. "When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die." Elisabeth's first husband was slaughtered by a tribe while trying to minister to them. She went back and finished the job-lived with them and converted the whole village. She went and lived with her terror. Through her and the other wives, an entire village met Jesus. But it started with death. Jesus' and her husband's and she was well aware that she could have been the third but SHE STILL WENT!

If I were her, I would then think that I had paid my dues... That of course God would never make me face another "Un" ever again...but you remember that I already told you that her 2nd husband died of cancer. So it just isn't true. God isn't nice. He isn't safe. (As Lucy in Narnia puts it)

To be raw with you, I am facing an Un in my life right now. I'm smack in the middle of it. I have no idea what will happen in 30 minutes or the next month. But what I do know is this - I am not alone, God intimately knows the situation, and that my job is to lean in and trust Him.

For days or weeks or even years you may have cried, prayed, read all the best books, talked to the professionals, joined the support groups, and on and on. But no matter what God says this "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9


He says lean in because you're not alone. In fact he says 100+ times in the Bible In an array of times and places. He is saying it to me right now. He is saying it to you. As My Utmost For His Highest puts it...

“I say to you, do not worry about your life….” Our Lord says to be careful only about one thing— our relationship to Him. But our common sense shouts loudly and says, “That is absurd, I must consider how I am going to live, and I must consider what I am going to eat and drink.” Jesus says you must not. Beware of allowing yourself to think that He says this while not understanding your circumstances. Jesus Christ knows our circumstances better than we do, and He says we must not think about these things to the point where they become the primary concern of our life. Whenever there are competing concerns in your life, be sure you always put your relationship to God first.
“Sufficient for the day is its own trouble” (Matthew 6:34).

I don't know if what your facing is the unimaginable or the Undetermined. It may be both. All I know is that you are NOT alone. God knows what you are facing. And it's time to keep going because even when we feel like tapping out, God never relents.

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Pain and Suffering

These days we here about a variety of pains. Cancer. Natural Disasters. Divorce. etc. And I'm pretty sure that is how the devil likes it. He is a master of emotional and psychological confusion, sinful creativity, and hellish torture. And just about everyone I know has suffered through their own mixed bag of his evil tactics. The devil really does hate your guts.

But GOD...and his infinite kindness whispers to us his secret plans.
"when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy." James 1:2

Why?
"When your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow." and "God blesses those who patiently endure" James 1:3,12

You might be thinking what a 25 year old would know about suffering.

Like I've  said before in my blog, I was abused growing up. Psychologically, emotionally, and physically. EVERY holiday has pain etched into its memory. Punched at Halloween. Kicked out at Christmas. Manipulated at Thanksgving. I've seen more than my share of counselors, taken meds, and experienced frightening panic attacks. For a long time I thought that love meant a nagging responsibility rather than affectionate grace and tender attention. Joy wasn't even close to possible.

But GOD had plans.

Rescue. Healing. Restoration

The Lord brought in a youth group that accepted me as I was, constantly showed me what love was, gave me a purpose, and encouraged me to delight in the gifts that I already had. I found rescue at the time when the abuse was the worse.

The Lord healed me through a community of believers at SHSU who passionately followed the Lord and who also encouraged me by reminding me who Christ says I am, instead of what my abuse told me I was. They also helped me with the healing by bearing with me through some of the continued times of abuse-offering up their homes, introducing me to their families, and blessing me with unconditional love and affection.

And eventually, after many years, God restored the relationship between my abuser and I. The Lord transformed them, poured out His grace on them, and continues today to rebuild our relationship through peace, forgiveness, and purpose. They found their identity once again in Him and so our relationship found ground to grow in once more, too.

I discovered very quickly after being rescued, healed, and restored that the suffering wasn't over.

Even after going through all of the healing, my panic attacks continued. So did the weight gain, forgetfulness, anxiety, extreme exhaustion, skipping heart beats, female issues, etc.
It all seemed wildly disconnected but in 2010, I was diagnosed with Hashimotos Disease.
Its an autoimmune disease which causes the thyroid to attack the body with various effects. Mainly it steals energy from the body by not properly controlling the hormones.

Lets just say like I felt like a tired, fat, crazy, broken person.
Things I heard from my doctor..."you're really a skinny person inside. Your body just doesn't know it." "You're f****ed." (he said it in a joking manner...but still terrible to hear from your doc). There were more too.

It was nice having an answer, but it being an incurable disease...not my first choice.

But GOD prepared me for this one by building up my endurance over the years, and He has a plan for this one too. In fact He's given me another "opportunity for great joy."

I'll be honest most days I don't see myself as He sees me, but I'm working on it. But what I have learned so far with this trial is that God has given me the opportunity to encourage those around me who also have sufferings.

So this blog was and is for you too. I hope you ask yourself "How is God using my suffering as an opportunity for great joy?"

I'd love to hear your answers.

-Jess

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