A study of marriage among millennials by the Urban Institute found that the "the percentage of millennials marrying by age 40 will fall lower than for any previous generation of Americans". In fact they cited that if the current marriage rates stay the same that by 2030 only 69% of women and 65% of men would be married
by age 40.
by age 40.
An article from Boundless described the problem like this ...
A generation of singles are at risk of believing they've all been given the "gift of singleness" quite apart from the biblical conditions for celibacy; because a generation of singles are stuffing their discontent and starting to believe that it's their discontent, and not their protracted singleness, that is their sin; because a generation of Christian singles are at risk of never marrying and having children, thwarting God's desire for a godly seed.
The purpose of this post is to be the start of a fruitful conversation for solutions and direction regarding the problem of the current Christian Dating Culture. If you think there isn't any problem with it-you need only walk in to a church singles group and count the number of couples versus singles. As Steve Crain, a Christian counselor at Houston's First, has commented before- just a few decades ago the singles ministry didn't exist- there just wasn't any need for it. Is the problem due to the fact that we have unlimited choices and therefore less grace for one another, maybe its due to the feminist movement affecting the church, or how we have been raised to have quite high standards and push them even higher when looking for a mate within the Church? Let's talk about it, pray, seek counsel, and start being part of the solution.
Would you rather be in a relationship right now than single? Do you have an intentional reason for being single right now?
A: I'd rather be in a relationship now. I have feel like I have grown out of my single life and feel called to find a suitable life partner. Financially,spiritually, mentally mature.
B: I've been single for a while, Mostly due to growing in my Faith. I needed to spend a little time on the backside of the desert to understand my relationship with The Lord. Now that time has past, I'm definitely looking to be in a relationship now.
C:I crave a relationship more than just about anything. I have had this craving for several years. I suppose I have been ready to get married since about 22/23. I am 36 now. Even though I have been ready, I have not exactly made myself available… so even though you are ready, it doesn’t mean you are at the dance where the music is playing.
D:Yes; No
The purpose of this post is to be the start of a fruitful conversation for solutions and direction regarding the problem of the current Christian Dating Culture. If you think there isn't any problem with it-you need only walk in to a church singles group and count the number of couples versus singles. As Steve Crain, a Christian counselor at Houston's First, has commented before- just a few decades ago the singles ministry didn't exist- there just wasn't any need for it. Is the problem due to the fact that we have unlimited choices and therefore less grace for one another, maybe its due to the feminist movement affecting the church, or how we have been raised to have quite high standards and push them even higher when looking for a mate within the Church? Let's talk about it, pray, seek counsel, and start being part of the solution.
I asked 5 single godly guys ages 25-40 from different Bible studies
to answer some of the questions at the root of the issue.
Here are their answers.
(All A answers are the same man, all B answers are the same man, etc.)
Would you rather be in a relationship right now than single? Do you have an intentional reason for being single right now?
A: I'd rather be in a relationship now. I have feel like I have grown out of my single life and feel called to find a suitable life partner. Financially,spiritually, mentally mature.
B: I've been single for a while, Mostly due to growing in my Faith. I needed to spend a little time on the backside of the desert to understand my relationship with The Lord. Now that time has past, I'm definitely looking to be in a relationship now.
C:I crave a relationship more than just about anything. I have had this craving for several years. I suppose I have been ready to get married since about 22/23. I am 36 now. Even though I have been ready, I have not exactly made myself available… so even though you are ready, it doesn’t mean you are at the dance where the music is playing.
D:Yes; No
E: Absolutely. When you find someone you connect with, it is great.
What are you looking for in a wife?
A:Christian, beautiful, loving, faithful, a best friend, adventure buddy. Someone who can challenge me spiritually as well as walk in the same path with me. I guess being on the same page or dancing the same dance. Someone who likes to be physically active would be a + to me since I bond that way
B:God-Fearing, kind, gentle, smiles a lot, believes in healthy living and definitely sense of humor...I like to laugh
C:Of course God. She has to be Christian, love the Lord, etc… Attraction. I want her to pick me and I want to pick her (I am OK with having to convince her to date me). Obviously physical attraction is the highest in the ranking, but for me, other factors come into play. While physical attraction might get you one to three dates, it takes other attributes to proceed. Intelligence. I look for a specific spark that signifies that not only is the light on, but the whole crew is home. The ability to not only dream, but make those dreams happen. For example, Resourcefulness. Lastly, good stewardship (ability to live within your means). I have had one lady in and out of my life over the last several years. Everything clicks, I mean everything, except the stewardship. I look at the number one cause of divorce (finances) and I just can’t hitch my wagon to someone that can’t be in the same ballpark
D:Obviously Christian, willingness to change, active participant in the community of faith, acceptable looks
E: A friend. Cute, intelligent, humble, hard working, funny, supportive. A true disciple of Christ, active in the church. Oh, and she has to like Shane and Shane, of course.
Do you think our current dating culture in the church is being fruitful? Is there something you would change?
A: No. People who are way too conservative people are waiting for that perfect someone when that person does not exist. Either there is fear when men get rejected by a NO or maybe too much decisions for a girl when a guy asks her out. I would say date more and get to know other people. Only way to know someone is to give them a chance. It may work out it may not. Only way to know is to try and find out.
B: I think it's been fruitful with the single activities, but I'm kind of confused to why so many singles haven't become couples. I can't figure out if singles standards have become so ridiculously high and unattainable, or if people are just afraid of rejection/ making the first move
C: No. Absolutely not. Change – That’s hard to do. First we have to look at the issues: Gossip – Yes, high school was long ago. But, when was the last time you heard that so and so asked what’s their face out? Yeah… We are our own WORST enemy. In the testosterone-poor Christian male, it does not take much of a barrier to convince a guy NOT to ask a girl out. The fear that others will find out is quite intimidating. Especially if you think that person might say no. Another thing. IT IS JUST COFFEE. Ladies - No, he is not asking you to marry him. Just say yes. I don’t care if Jabba the Hut asks you to Coffee. GO! At the best you may have found the love of your life. At the worst, you found someone to mark off the list. There is no such thing as bad data. The only SUCCESS you can Guarantee is a NEGATIVE one by not going. Guys – If she goes to coffee with you, don’t beat her door down asking for a second date. If she is interested, she will let you know. When guys act needy or read too much into a friendly gesture, it hurts the case of many other guys that are on the margin. Every time a guy makes a situation awkward by not taking a hint, it makes the next guy have to work just a little more to get her to go to coffee. This isn’t sustainable.
D:Yes however I cannot speak to the level of fruitfulness. Maybe not change but it could be helpful if married people were more directly involved in the culture.
E: The purpose of dating is to find out if you want to have a relationship. The purpose of having a relationship is to find out if you want to be married. It's true that guys should ask girls on dates more often, but girls should not act as though the guy just asked for her hand in marriage. I have actually heard this line "I told him I wouldn't go on a date with him because I don't really know him." Seriously?!?
Also--girls don't depressed that you aren't asked out--at a church with good community, it's not necessary to go out to get to know someone--you can get to know a great deal about faith and character without ever starting the awkward process of dating. I would change this: girls seem to want the guys to take all the risk in asking them out, but are terrified to show any interest on their part. In our current business culture it's practically a crime to flirt, and it has rolled over to our church culture. Girls need to be willing to flirt and show interest. They should signal when it is okay for a guy to take the next step.
Do you think that with the current Christian dating culture that 70% or more single Christians will be married by 33?
A: No. Im 34 and still not married. In the time I been at church a lot of my friends got married but i am seeing a slow decline. Esp with new generation. I think we have become too busy or comfortable with ourselves and might not want to see relationships happen
B: Probably not. Mostly due to living in a career, position, status motivated country. It's how America defines "Success". Funny how marriage and family doesn't fit that equation lately
C: I don’t know. I think I missed that boat. I blame living overseas and travelling all the time.
D: Yes, I think so.
E: I hope not--I might not have anybody left to go out with.
What do you think is the reason that so many 25-40 year old Christians are still single?
A: Not too much interaction/interest w opposite sex...
B: Our success driven "Me" culture has influenced many singles to delay thoughts of marriage and family. The funny thing is, The happiest couples I know been married for 40 plus years started with early humble beginnings...but that's none of my business
C: I don’t know the true answer. Everyone is different. Some focused more on church, work, life, being busy, maturing, etc. Others have unrealistic standards. Some, just have not opened themselves up to the risk of dating. Dating is scary. Most have a different story.
But with all the stuff working against us (See above – gossip, not saying yes, etc.). It is truly a blessing when you see someone Graduate!
D: We are jacking around, over thinking it.
E: I think we have too many good choices. It has raised the standard because we have seen so many with great traits. And we are too quickly distracted by the other options out there. But besides that… I think a lot of us have a lot more work to do on ourselves than we are really willing to admit.
What do you think is most confusing/hard to understand about the opposite sex?
A: What they are looking for in man. Lots of guy are good, but I cant ever find out why the girls say NO. Also why they wont give some people a chance.
B: For me it's just having clarity on what she needs to feel loved...I want her to know that when she's around me, I'm her shade
C: Women are actually quite easy. They want to feel chosen, i.e. be loved. The hard part is to figure out how to communicate such an abstract concept.
D: The oppositeness- lol actually the more I get involved with you girls the less confusing y'all become.
E: It seems like girls aren't interested in legitimately good guys--not just myself, but guys I've tried to set up.
What advice/encouragement do you have for the same sex? for the opposite sex?
A: Date and get to know who is the best fit. Start as friends then take it from there. If there is interest then escalate into something more serious. No need to be indecisive
B: For My Brothers, I say be bold as lions. Take a chance and do what it takes to get next to the lady you're interested in. Start with prayer first, Ask God to set up a Divine-Appointment. Trust me it works
For my Sisters, Be bold as well, but in a very lady like way....It's ok to drop subtle hints on a guy that has caught your attention. Something simple as a smile, saying hello on a regular basis or a sweet glance could help. It doesn't take much for a guy, Believe That!
C: Guys – Ask her out. Wear nice clothes to church. The girls are watching. No, don’t bath in cologne like you are going to the club, that’s just trashy. Wear something that has been at least washed and ironed. Cargos are a NO – 90% of the time. Also, realize that not every guy can date the prettiest girl in the class. Don’t set your standards too high, be realistic. I hear guys talk about how the prettiest girl in church did not say yes to him. A few weeks ago, I got really frustrated with a friend and asked him, “with all the guys pursuing her, what makes you think she will say yes to you? What makes you stand above the other guys? How are you better? If you can’t answer those questions, how do you expect her to answer them?” Ladies – say yes when he asks. If he doesn’t ask. Ask him. Yeah, sometimes you will have to wear the pants in the relationship. Get over it. It’s life. Just realize that most guys suffer from low-T due to the feminization of the church/culture. You may not like it, but what do you have to lose? Also, if he does get the courage to ask you out. Be honest with him. Guys appreciate upfront honesty. Even if he does something lame like ask you out over Facebook. It is perfectly acceptable to respond, “I prefer if you ask me out in person than Facebook.”
D: Get after it, seize the day. This is for both sexes... Don't miss a good opportunity waiting for a perfect one
E: God is faithful. Singleness is not nearly so dreadful as it seems sometimes.
Sources:
http://urban.org/UploadedPDF/413110-Fewer-Marriages-More-Divergence.pdf
http://www.boundless.org/relationships/2006/getting-to-marriage-what-you-can-do
Other articles on the issue:
http://www.churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/162128-singled-out-does-the-church-ignore-singles.html
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/augustweb-only/131-31.0.html
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/augustweb-only/131-31.0.html
http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-dating-culture-part-1-majority-of-single-christians-reject-idea-of-waiting-for-marriage-to-have-sex-114422/
http://www.christianpost.com/news/pew-for-one-how-is-the-church-responding-to-growing-number-of-singles-70586/
http://pastors.com/single-adults/
What are you looking for in a wife?
A:Christian, beautiful, loving, faithful, a best friend, adventure buddy. Someone who can challenge me spiritually as well as walk in the same path with me. I guess being on the same page or dancing the same dance. Someone who likes to be physically active would be a + to me since I bond that way
B:God-Fearing, kind, gentle, smiles a lot, believes in healthy living and definitely sense of humor...I like to laugh
C:Of course God. She has to be Christian, love the Lord, etc… Attraction. I want her to pick me and I want to pick her (I am OK with having to convince her to date me). Obviously physical attraction is the highest in the ranking, but for me, other factors come into play. While physical attraction might get you one to three dates, it takes other attributes to proceed. Intelligence. I look for a specific spark that signifies that not only is the light on, but the whole crew is home. The ability to not only dream, but make those dreams happen. For example, Resourcefulness. Lastly, good stewardship (ability to live within your means). I have had one lady in and out of my life over the last several years. Everything clicks, I mean everything, except the stewardship. I look at the number one cause of divorce (finances) and I just can’t hitch my wagon to someone that can’t be in the same ballpark
D:Obviously Christian, willingness to change, active participant in the community of faith, acceptable looks
E: A friend. Cute, intelligent, humble, hard working, funny, supportive. A true disciple of Christ, active in the church. Oh, and she has to like Shane and Shane, of course.
Do you think our current dating culture in the church is being fruitful? Is there something you would change?
A: No. People who are way too conservative people are waiting for that perfect someone when that person does not exist. Either there is fear when men get rejected by a NO or maybe too much decisions for a girl when a guy asks her out. I would say date more and get to know other people. Only way to know someone is to give them a chance. It may work out it may not. Only way to know is to try and find out.
B: I think it's been fruitful with the single activities, but I'm kind of confused to why so many singles haven't become couples. I can't figure out if singles standards have become so ridiculously high and unattainable, or if people are just afraid of rejection/ making the first move
C: No. Absolutely not. Change – That’s hard to do. First we have to look at the issues: Gossip – Yes, high school was long ago. But, when was the last time you heard that so and so asked what’s their face out? Yeah… We are our own WORST enemy. In the testosterone-poor Christian male, it does not take much of a barrier to convince a guy NOT to ask a girl out. The fear that others will find out is quite intimidating. Especially if you think that person might say no. Another thing. IT IS JUST COFFEE. Ladies - No, he is not asking you to marry him. Just say yes. I don’t care if Jabba the Hut asks you to Coffee. GO! At the best you may have found the love of your life. At the worst, you found someone to mark off the list. There is no such thing as bad data. The only SUCCESS you can Guarantee is a NEGATIVE one by not going. Guys – If she goes to coffee with you, don’t beat her door down asking for a second date. If she is interested, she will let you know. When guys act needy or read too much into a friendly gesture, it hurts the case of many other guys that are on the margin. Every time a guy makes a situation awkward by not taking a hint, it makes the next guy have to work just a little more to get her to go to coffee. This isn’t sustainable.
D:Yes however I cannot speak to the level of fruitfulness. Maybe not change but it could be helpful if married people were more directly involved in the culture.
E: The purpose of dating is to find out if you want to have a relationship. The purpose of having a relationship is to find out if you want to be married. It's true that guys should ask girls on dates more often, but girls should not act as though the guy just asked for her hand in marriage. I have actually heard this line "I told him I wouldn't go on a date with him because I don't really know him." Seriously?!?
Also--girls don't depressed that you aren't asked out--at a church with good community, it's not necessary to go out to get to know someone--you can get to know a great deal about faith and character without ever starting the awkward process of dating. I would change this: girls seem to want the guys to take all the risk in asking them out, but are terrified to show any interest on their part. In our current business culture it's practically a crime to flirt, and it has rolled over to our church culture. Girls need to be willing to flirt and show interest. They should signal when it is okay for a guy to take the next step.
Do you think that with the current Christian dating culture that 70% or more single Christians will be married by 33?
A: No. Im 34 and still not married. In the time I been at church a lot of my friends got married but i am seeing a slow decline. Esp with new generation. I think we have become too busy or comfortable with ourselves and might not want to see relationships happen
B: Probably not. Mostly due to living in a career, position, status motivated country. It's how America defines "Success". Funny how marriage and family doesn't fit that equation lately
C: I don’t know. I think I missed that boat. I blame living overseas and travelling all the time.
D: Yes, I think so.
E: I hope not--I might not have anybody left to go out with.
What do you think is the reason that so many 25-40 year old Christians are still single?
A: Not too much interaction/interest w opposite sex...
B: Our success driven "Me" culture has influenced many singles to delay thoughts of marriage and family. The funny thing is, The happiest couples I know been married for 40 plus years started with early humble beginnings...but that's none of my business
C: I don’t know the true answer. Everyone is different. Some focused more on church, work, life, being busy, maturing, etc. Others have unrealistic standards. Some, just have not opened themselves up to the risk of dating. Dating is scary. Most have a different story.
But with all the stuff working against us (See above – gossip, not saying yes, etc.). It is truly a blessing when you see someone Graduate!
D: We are jacking around, over thinking it.
E: I think we have too many good choices. It has raised the standard because we have seen so many with great traits. And we are too quickly distracted by the other options out there. But besides that… I think a lot of us have a lot more work to do on ourselves than we are really willing to admit.
What do you think is most confusing/hard to understand about the opposite sex?
A: What they are looking for in man. Lots of guy are good, but I cant ever find out why the girls say NO. Also why they wont give some people a chance.
B: For me it's just having clarity on what she needs to feel loved...I want her to know that when she's around me, I'm her shade
C: Women are actually quite easy. They want to feel chosen, i.e. be loved. The hard part is to figure out how to communicate such an abstract concept.
D: The oppositeness- lol actually the more I get involved with you girls the less confusing y'all become.
E: It seems like girls aren't interested in legitimately good guys--not just myself, but guys I've tried to set up.
What advice/encouragement do you have for the same sex? for the opposite sex?
A: Date and get to know who is the best fit. Start as friends then take it from there. If there is interest then escalate into something more serious. No need to be indecisive
B: For My Brothers, I say be bold as lions. Take a chance and do what it takes to get next to the lady you're interested in. Start with prayer first, Ask God to set up a Divine-Appointment. Trust me it works
For my Sisters, Be bold as well, but in a very lady like way....It's ok to drop subtle hints on a guy that has caught your attention. Something simple as a smile, saying hello on a regular basis or a sweet glance could help. It doesn't take much for a guy, Believe That!
C: Guys – Ask her out. Wear nice clothes to church. The girls are watching. No, don’t bath in cologne like you are going to the club, that’s just trashy. Wear something that has been at least washed and ironed. Cargos are a NO – 90% of the time. Also, realize that not every guy can date the prettiest girl in the class. Don’t set your standards too high, be realistic. I hear guys talk about how the prettiest girl in church did not say yes to him. A few weeks ago, I got really frustrated with a friend and asked him, “with all the guys pursuing her, what makes you think she will say yes to you? What makes you stand above the other guys? How are you better? If you can’t answer those questions, how do you expect her to answer them?” Ladies – say yes when he asks. If he doesn’t ask. Ask him. Yeah, sometimes you will have to wear the pants in the relationship. Get over it. It’s life. Just realize that most guys suffer from low-T due to the feminization of the church/culture. You may not like it, but what do you have to lose? Also, if he does get the courage to ask you out. Be honest with him. Guys appreciate upfront honesty. Even if he does something lame like ask you out over Facebook. It is perfectly acceptable to respond, “I prefer if you ask me out in person than Facebook.”
D: Get after it, seize the day. This is for both sexes... Don't miss a good opportunity waiting for a perfect one
E: God is faithful. Singleness is not nearly so dreadful as it seems sometimes.
Sources:
http://urban.org/UploadedPDF/413110-Fewer-Marriages-More-Divergence.pdf
http://www.boundless.org/relationships/2006/getting-to-marriage-what-you-can-do
Other articles on the issue:
http://www.churchleaders.com/outreach-missions/outreach-missions-articles/162128-singled-out-does-the-church-ignore-singles.html
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/augustweb-only/131-31.0.html
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single
http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2009/augustweb-only/131-31.0.html
http://www.christianpost.com/news/christian-dating-culture-part-1-majority-of-single-christians-reject-idea-of-waiting-for-marriage-to-have-sex-114422/
http://www.christianpost.com/news/pew-for-one-how-is-the-church-responding-to-growing-number-of-singles-70586/
http://pastors.com/single-adults/
http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/9-things-you-should-know-about-marriage-in-america
http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/the-new-fight-for-marriage
http://money.cnn.com/2014/07/20/news/economy/millennials-marriage/
http://www.beinkandescent.com/articles/730/millennials-and-marriage
http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/03/07/millennials-in-adulthood/
http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/SOOU2012.pdf
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/11/millennials-marriage-age_n_4944558.html
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