Online Dating: An Inside Look from a Christian Girl's Perspective

I remember reading "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliott for the first time and highlighting all over the place. The book is about her love letters and romance with Jim Elliot, what she learned while they were dating and also what she learned after he was killed in Ecuador by a tribe he was trying to minister to. It really is an incredible story- highly recommend it. It continues to be such solid truth to me in these dark times. There were a couple of things that stuck out though. I remember her talking about when she was dating in college that she dated multiple men at the same time...and even would date the same men as her roommates or friends. I thought- Whoa?! Wasn't this scandalous for the 40s?! And then many years after her husband Jim died, she married again...then after he died....she married once more. This just wasn't what I thought the Christian dating code was! Ha ha! From that point on, I stopped believing in finding "the one" that all the movies told me I should look for. And I also knew that dating wasn't the devil. You don't have to take it so seriously and that you can learn a lot from it! God takes care of the ones He loves despite imperfect circumstances and imperfect people. One other pressing reason why I decided to try dating online is the rapidly declining morality and selfishness of my generation. This is sadly starting to affect how we date in the church...and unfortunately although I am educated, fit, responsible, beautiful and know who I am in Christ- no guy from church had ever asked me out! So, I decided to venture online to find a good man who loved God. Because you never know where you might find them!  

The following is my perspective from my journey 
in dating online.

Note: All guys' names have been changed along with all identifying details out of respect and privacy.

How it works

In case you don't know, there are MANY dating sites out there these days. E-harmony and Match.com being the most popular. For Christians you can go one of 2 routes...you can get start off with a database of Christian guys by using Christian Mingle or you could go the secular route like Okcupid and try to filter out non-Christians. I tried several different ones over 3ish years. But the average time I spent on them was 2 months. The max I ever did was 3 months. The reason for this was because databases only have so many options. If you are looking for a specific type of person, you will get to the end of those results in a certain amount of time. For serious Christians...you have even fewer options. For tall, female, serious Christian women you have VERY few options. Which I found was a good and bad thing. I discovered that I could filter for godly men very quickly ...because there were so few.

Some thoughts on the sites I tried out

Eharmony - My least favorite of them all. When I was on, you only got a few matches every few days...including ones that weren't to your preferences. Price was expensive. There was no open search...so it was slightly difficult for looking for a tall guy. This site did not result in any dates for me. In fact I only talked to one guy who ended up being VERY racist..so that ended quickly.

Match.com - This one was alright. It had an open search, I got plenty of interest from guys and had suitable matches. Price was reasonable. They also had a variety of ways to set you up with potential matches, which made it feel a little more natural. But because it was still secular- there were very few Christian men. I talked to a couple but sadly they were more nominal Christians and didn't take their faith seriously.

OkCupid - This was oddly the one that I had the most "success" with. Free- which was a big plus for me. This could also be a bad thing though. This site attracts thousands of potentials...but with no real investment. So it took a lot of weeding through to find those who were serious about a relationship. I actually was a member a few times of this site. Had several actual dates with some solid guys. One guy was a professional athlete, another director of a Bible study class, etc. One of the best things about this site was that it had a great selection of questions to view and answer. This was advantageous because you could see how serious people were about things that mattered to you and filter out deal breakers. But because it is also a secular site the serious Christians are very few. I learned SO much about our society's values and how to stand for Christ in the dating world from my interactions on this site. Although some encounters were uncomfortable, I don't regret trying this one out. It was actually a fantastic evangelism opportunity.

ChristianMingle - This was the last one I tried out. I had two great matches from this one (one which led to a short relationship). This site was cheaper than Match or Eharmony. It had an open search and (in theory) automatically filtered out non-Christians. Unfortunately though- there were even fewer matches...especially for a tall girl. I also found that the same reasons church members are having a hard time dating in church is the same trouble they have online...too many options and being even more selective than non-believers. (A good and bad thing) We are over-looking Pauls and Rebeccas and Davids because we don't see them through God's eyes.

I'll be using OkCupid to show you the experience of dating online

Preferences and Profile

When getting on any dating site you have to set up your profile. (Which I oddly view like a job interview...show your best self, but be realistic and clear about what you are looking for). 

For Christians this is especially important. Boldly proclaim Christ on your profile. Godly men are attracted to Godly women and vice versa. I learned that Jesus is the BEST filter for getting rid of people who don't have good intentions. Yes, you will end up with less matches...but the goal is not to have 100s....its to find 1 Godly husband or wife! Brush off the haters!

Here is my basic profile...which I learned to be proud of!

Its suggested that you add different types of pictures. Please add variety! If you have 5 selfies or all pictures with models or several where we can't see your face....we think you are likely insecure or interested in the wrong things. 

The Encounters - Good, Bad, and Awkward

With OKC you have different ways of viewing potentials. You get daily matches, you can search, and you have QuickMatch (which is like tinder where you swipe left to reject or swipe right to accept). The quickmatch only shows you their pictures and a few details about the person (If they have kids, job, a small overview). It also gives you a match percentage-which I actually found to be a very good indicator. The Quickmatch does not say if they are a Christian though. But what I discovered is that most of the time, If they had a 90% match with me then they were likely a Christian (but this was not denomination specific). Swiping right could be risky because you don't know for sure that they are a Christian at all. But its a chance you have to take. After you like them (swipe right) then you can see if they are a Christian, view full profile, and see their answers to questions. You can also do this for matches and searches.

The last time I tried OKC, I was on it for less than a week. I had 377 guys that liked me (swiped right). Of course the whole point is not just to find out if people like you but to actually date! So what I really paid attention to was actual messages I received. In that week I received 81 messages. Here is a sampling.

  

   

 

As you can see - Some of the messages were really nice, genuine, respectful....And some were weird, inappropriate, and lacking in creativity. This was one of the best learning opportunities for me. I had to decide when to respond and if/how to do it well. Personally I chose not to respond at all to those who were inappropriate or disconnected. I had several chances to respond to well-meaning men too...which is what was more difficult. With online dating you get to "investigate" before you start a conversation. So I got to see if their messages really were sincere or if they matched their true character by looking at their profile and questions. Out of safety and godly standards I chose to very rarely respond to those whose messages even seemed genuine but their profiles did not show consistent character. I learned very quickly that if you give these guys any attention that they will take it and that you will have to let them down later. This was difficult. Like I said before... Jesus was a good filter. I stuck with His standard.

Another thing you can see from the screenshots above is that women have to be careful. There were several men I saw or were messaged by that were not safe. God showed me that they had no interest in Him and to not even entertain them with a Hello. After having a very weird encounter with a "Christian" guy, I now ask them to be honest about if they have ever been arrested or in jail, if they have any prejudices, and if they have any addictions BEFORE giving them my phone number. They have a chance to be dishonest of course...but I at least ask and in the small case will Google them. If I go on a date with them, it is always in public and my friends will know when and where.

One of my personal choices was to always give men who were "seemingly" good guys an honorable response for rejecting them if I felt that they weren't the right match for me. (Usually denominational issues or height was an obstacle) The two screenshots above are guys who showed that they could communicate maturely. The ones below didn't take my response well. Sometimes it doesn't matter how respectful you try and be...some people will still choose to take it negatively.

 (Not sure what 1 samuel guy's point was?! Why send a verse that points out your own sin?)

There was an instance or two where guys actually asked how Christian was I...like they needed a measurement. 

Definitely a new (and unusual) experience for me! LOL

The Questions

I keep referring to guys' answers to the questions so I want you to see how that works. I leaned on their answers a lot to determine if I was going to give them a chance. The questions really showed guys' character. They had many topics: judgment, intelligence, physicality, sex preferences, morality, religious, psychological, fitness/dietary, political, past relationship, viewpoints, crime, pets, privacy, adoption, finances, and hypothetical/behavioral. You were able to choose how much their answer mattered to you and even explain your answer.

Here are a few examples

 There was one question that was the biggest deal breaker of them all. 

I take my commitment to Christ seriously. My heart, my future, my body...belong to Him. His Word is solid ground so I believe and obey. So this question was the one where I could see if guys actually had submitted to God's authority. Sex is a big deal...so to surrender it over to God means that Jesus is your Lord...not just your Savior and that you are choosing to not be a slave to the flesh.

Unfortunately in all my time on OKC I found less than 5 men who chose "Only after the wedding."

 My advice for Christian Women

-Know who you are in Christ before dating online - you will fall prey to sin if you aren't standing on solid ground. Do not let your insecurities or fears decide who you date.
-Have accountability while dating on and offline - you are not untouchable when it comes to sin.
-Don't let guys manipulate you to messaging them back. Even if its a wonderful compliment or a funny joke or an interesting question...KEEP GOD's STANDARD. If they don't have Godly character do not compromise.
-Don't be afraid to get out there. Let this be a learning experience and a challenge to your faith.
-Give good Godly guys a chance even if they don't fit the picture you have in your mind. And when it comes time to reject a guy- do it with honor, give a real reason why, and don't be hurt by their response. Your responsibility is to honor the Lord with your actions, thoughts and words...you aren't responsible for their reaction.

My advice for Christian Men

-Know who you are in Christ before dating online - again you will sin if you aren't fully rooted in Christ and His Word. Men who are unashamed of their faith are HOT. Men who are unsure... are not.

-Have accountability - don't go on there looking for a date...look for a wife. Honestly there are plenty of women who are looking for hookups. If you are just looking for a girl to like you, you will find one. Look for a Godly woman. Ask a couple guys to help keep your actions and intentions on track.

- Let this be a learning experience so you can work up courage and have a better understanding of how you are uniquely designed.

-Give good Godly girls a chance even if they don't fit the picture you have in your mind. I know many AMAZING women who love God and are looking for good men like you! We hope you'll be searching for us too! 

Conclusion

All in All, I was encouraged. No, I'm not married yet, but I'm so glad that God has opened up opportunities for me to have feedback on things. Even though I don't get asked out from guys in my church, this doesn't mean that Godly guys outside of my church aren't looking for someone exactly like me! Some men like to keep their Church life simple and they don't want to complicate that with dating. Thats ok. I learned how to reject men honorably and how to give them helpful feedback and how to challenge their faith so they move closer to Heaven. I learned how to be even stronger with my faith and identity in Christ and to not give Satan ground when it comes to my love life. I learned how I can fall and what lies I'm prone to believe...and God has made me more strong in fighting against them! God showed me once again that He accepts me. He finds me beautiful. He wants me. This has never changed! I have seen wonderful marriages result from online dating. I'm not closing the door on it. I'm not one to tell God what He can and cannot use for His glory. Of course, It's not for everyone. But if you feel like giving it a try- Pray about it and Go for it! No matter where you meet them I hope that you find an amazing husband or wife!